Dating 101: Questions You Should Ask Before You Say “I Do”
- Ray Reynolds, Ph.D.
- 24 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Marriage isn't a destination—it's an incredible journey that demands regular, intentional maintenance to thrive! Inspired by our current Sunday AM Bible class series with “The Middles” on strengthening families, we're focusing on the vital skills that keep a relationship vibrant, like sharpening communication, consistently filling those "love tanks," and creatively showing affection. This got us thinking: How can we help couples build a rock-solid foundation from the start? Before you take that amazing leap and "tie the knot," we passionately believe pre-marital counseling is a must. Inside this blog, we're sharing the 10 essential, non-negotiable questions every serious couple needs to explore together. Get ready to gain clarity, align your dreams, and prepare to say "I do" with absolute confidence!
Question #1: Where are you in your spiritual journey?
Before committing to marriage, it is crucial to establish the spiritual foundation of your relationship by understanding your partner’s beliefs, practices, and respect for God. Key discussions should cover what Jesus means to them, their religious upbringing, how often they engage in practices like prayer and Bible reading, and their willingness to attend church together. If a partner does not hold respect for a covenant with God, it often indicates a lack of proper respect for the marital covenant itself, as faith provides the most essential and statistically accurate foundation for a lasting, committed relationship that must be settled prior to serious physical intimacy or commitment.
II Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV): "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"
Question #2: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Understanding your partner's long-term vision is vital because commitment must guide a marriage, not just fleeting romantic feelings. This "business-oriented" discussion helps ensure your directions align and that you are committing at the right time to the right person. Rushing the decision can lead to later conflict, as couples often split due to core discrepancies or control issues related to spiritual alignment, finances, communication, career paths, and intimacy. Therefore, thoroughly dating and courting is essential to learn their wishes, dreams, and compatibility before making the lifelong commitment.
Proverbs 29:18 (NKJV): "Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law."
Question #3: What are your thoughts about starting a family?
Discussions about children and family planning must happen early, as evasive answers like "I haven’t thought about it" can be a sign of immaturity or lack of commitment. If you desire a family, you must clearly communicate this to your partner and agree on important details like the number of children, timing, and pre-determined approaches to discipline and child-rearing to prevent major issues later. You can gain valuable insight into their potential parenting skills by observing their interactions with children and by analyzing their relationship dynamics with their own parents and family members.
Psalm 127:3 (NKJV): "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."
Question #4: Do you ever think about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
It is important to inquire about past relationships, not out of nosiness, but to understand your partner’s behavioral patterns and background in commitment. If a partner frequently thinks about a past love, misses them, or shares stories of "fun" they used to have, it is a sign that their previous relationship may not be fully resolved, requiring careful questioning about the reasons for the breakup and any potential desire to reunite. For a marriage to succeed, both partners must be able to confidently declare that thoughts of former significant others are fleeting, ensuring complete and total commitment to the current relationship before proceeding with the final commitment.
II Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV): "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Question #5: When we take the vows “in sickness and in health” what does that mean to you?
The commitment to mutual care during sickness is a profound indicator of a partner's maturity and capacity for selfless love. Do not allow them to laugh this off; you must confirm that they will be a reliable, supportive presence during critical times. You can gauge their ability to handle your serious needs by observing how they treat you when you are mildly sick and by noting their attitude and actions toward caring for their own parents and grandparents, as this provides a serious clue about their inherent level of concern and dedication in times of trouble.
Galatians 6:2 (NKJV): "Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Question #6: How do you feel about marrying me “for better or for worse”?
This vow tests the ability of your future spouse to commit to the relationship as a permanent covenant, not just a temporary fix for good times. While anyone can love you when things are going well, a true spouse must envision a shared future through all potential difficulties. If they are uncertain about the "golden years" or cannot commit to staying with you no matter what circumstances arise, this is a clear warning sign. Marriage is a lifelong covenant before God, and couples should study the Bible together to understand this permanence and learn from the experiences of others.
Matthew 19:6 (NKJV): "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate."
Question #7: How do you feel about being together whether we are “richer or poorer” than we are right now?
Financial compatibility is a critical component of marriage, as disagreements over money are a leading cause of divorce, second only to poor communication. You must discuss and agree on financial roles—who handles bills, taxes, and budgeting—and both partners must demonstrate fiscal responsibility. If your partner has issues with controlling spending, balancing a budget, or paying bills, this is a major red flag for a rocky financial road. Discussions about saving, spending, retirement, insurance, and housing must be finalized before the wedding to ensure both individuals are mature enough for a fiscally responsible partnership.
Proverbs 21:20 (NKJV): "There is desirable treasure, And oil in the dwelling of the wise, But a foolish man squanders it."
Question #8: Are you scared about making a life-long commitment?
It is important to discuss any underlying fears related to lifelong commitment, which may manifest as feelings of jealousy, anger, or frustration, to ensure both partners are ready to fully commit without reservation. If they have had previous commitment issues, these same problems may transfer to your relationship. Engaging in meaningful conversation helps you understand what they truly want from you and reveals concerns like fear of cheating, secrecy, or the potential for emotional/physical harm. These potential issues must be dealt with openly and honestly now, ensuring they aren't just telling you what you want to hear.
II Timothy 1:7 (NKJV): "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Question #9: How do you handle conflict resolution?
Since marital conflict is inevitable, discussing how you will resolve disagreements is crucial for the longevity of your relationship. You need to know if this person addresses challenges directly, takes ownership of their mistakes, and avoids blaming others or sweeping issues under the rug. Similarly, you must assess your own maturity in approaching them for help and your willingness to discuss problems collaboratively. Learning to talk about and work together to solve problems before tying the knot will greatly improve your ability to handle inevitable issues once married.
Ephesians 4:26 (NKJV): "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath."
Question #10: Can you forgive me when I fail you?
Recognizing that both partners are human and will inevitably fail is a necessary prerequisite for a successful marriage, which demands a commitment to forgiveness. Since you and your spouse will make mistakes and need help to make things right, agreeing that you will not give up on one another and that you will work together to succeed is paramount. Just as God constantly forgives us despite our covenant failures, both spouses must learn to trust God for guidance and practice the same forgiving love toward each other to keep the relationship whole.
Colossians 3:13 (NKJV): "bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."
Ultimately, marriage is a commitment between two imperfect people who will inevitably make mistakes. Just as we frequently fall short of our spiritual promises to God, He never fails to keep His covenant with us. Let this be our model: learn to fully trust Him and constantly seek His guidance to shape your marriage into the beautiful relationship He intends. Ask Him for His forgiveness, and then, most importantly, commit to forgiving one another with the same depth of unconditional love. These ten suggested questions, while not a perfect formula, are powerful tools to help you navigate conflict and build resilience. Let's resolve today to invest everything we have into making our marriages work, always remembering the profound blessing God bestows on those who honor their covenants with Him!
You are loved.
Ray Reynolds, PhD
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