Steering Clear of Gossip: A True Survivor Story

I am a victim. I’ve been severely wounded by gossip, lies and misinformation. The wreckage, and collateral damage, has left me in its wake. In my opinion, being injured mentally and emotionally can hurt more than any physical pain one can experience. Sadly, I’ve suffered this infliction by my own brothers and sisters in Christ. And, I know I’m not alone.

Being the victim of gossip and lies is a profoundly isolating and soul-crushing experience. It feels like your reputation, once a reflection of your true self, is being systematically dismantled by an invisible force. Destroyed piece by agonizing piece. A deep sense of betrayal washes over you, as you realize that people you may have trusted or respected are now participating in your public degradation, often without bothering to verify the validity of the story they are reporting. In many cases, a simple phone call or text message could clear the air but, unfortunately, some people prefer the false narrative.

There's a pervasive sense of helplessness, knowing that your (once good) name is being dragged through the mud, and you're powerless to stop it. Even if you tracked down every source, and every breadcrumb of gossip, the whispers and sneers will still follow in their wake. This brings sadness, depression, anger and overwhelming anxiety, as you constantly wonder who believes the falsehoods. Who is talking about you? How deep has this poison seeped into your relationships and community?

When you are a victim of gossip you feel humiliated, exposed, vulnerable, and profoundly misunderstood. Shouldn’t we realize as Christians that there are eternal consequences for spreading lies and misinformation? For Christians, engaging in gossip isn't just a minor social faux pas; it's a serious matter with significant spiritual implications. The Bible offers clear warnings and instructions that should compel believers to flee from this destructive habit. We shouldn’t listen to it. We shouldn’t entertain it. And we certainly shouldn’t share it.

Gossip Destroys Reputations & Relationships

One of the most immediate and painful consequences of gossip is its power to shatter reputations and erode trust. When false or unverified information is circulated, it paints a distorted picture of an individual, leading to misunderstandings, suspicion, and isolation. In my life, as a minister of the gospel, I’ve realized that my reputation is really all that matters in the public eye. Whether we like it or not, we live in a fishbowl.

My uncle once told me, “Wherever you go, there will be people who wanna hang you and people that want to make you mayor.” This is true. And you might be surprised the ones who are happy to tie the noose around your neck. They’ll speak nice in front of your face and then provoke the angry mob to build the gallows. Some people actually enjoy watching the slow descent of a gossip victim.

Proverbs 11:13 says, "A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter." A talebearer is a gossiper, someone who can't keep confidential information to themselves. This verse highlights the betrayal inherent in gossip. When we share information that isn't ours to share, especially if it's damaging, we are acting unfaithfully.

Another Proverb warns, "A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends.” (16:28) Gossip, or "whispering," actively drives wedges between people. It can turn friends against each other, ruin families, create factions within a community, and ultimately destroy the unity that Christ calls us to uphold. Lies and rumors are designed to isolate and undermine. They are the work of the devil.

Consider a church potluck where a small group begins to whisper about a newly divorced member, speculating about the reasons for their marriage ending. These unverified assumptions, even if presented as "concerns," can quickly morph into widely accepted "facts" within the community, making it incredibly difficult for that individual to feel accepted or supported. This not only damages the person's reputation but also creates an environment of judgment rather than grace. Surely we have better things to do with our time. What would Jesus do?

Gossip Stems From an Uncontrolled Tongue

The Bible frequently emphasizes the immense power of the tongue, for both good and evil. When it comes to gossip, the tongue is often the primary weapon. James 1:26 cautions, "If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless." This is a stark warning.

True faith isn't just about outward displays of piety; it's about controlling our words and ensuring they align with God's character. An unbridled tongue, prone to gossip, indicates a heart that isn't fully surrendered to Christ. James 3:6 further illustrates this, "And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell." This vivid imagery portrays gossip as a destructive blaze that can consume everything in its path. It highlights the spiritual origin of such destructive communication. And it reveals the source… the fire of Hell.

Imagine a Sunday school class where a church member, under the guise of "sharing prayer concerns," details the personal struggles of another couple or family in the church. While the intention might be masked as concern, the effect is often to spread private information, leading to judgment and a breach of trust. This shows how an uncontrolled tongue, even with seemingly good intentions, can cause significant harm. We need to hold each other accountable to a higher standard of Christian living. If we can’t say something nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all.

Gossip Opposes Love & Edification

At the heart of Christian living is the command to love one another. Gossip stands in direct opposition to this foundational principle, as it tears down rather than builds up. Ephesians 4:29 provides clear guidance: "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Our words should be used to build others up, to encourage, and to share grace. Gossip does the exact opposite; it is "corrupt" because it defiles both the speaker and the hearer, and it certainly does not edify.

Romans 12:10 encourages, "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." When we gossip about someone, we are clearly not honoring them or showing brotherly love. Instead, we are diminishing them in the eyes of others.

Consider a scenario where a church member is struggling with a personal sin. Instead of approaching them with grace and seeking to restore them in love, as Galatians 6:1 commands, others gossip about their failings. This not only isolates the struggling individual but also creates a culture of condemnation rather than compassion, hindering true repentance and healing.

Any Christian that participates in destructive communication has departed from the Gospel. The very word “Gospel“ actually means the good news. The calling of a child of God is to promote the truth in love. We are called to love one another dozens of times in the Bible. It’s impossible to read one of John’s letters and not see his emphasis on its absolute necessity. Consider I Corinthians 13:4-7 and how Paul defines love. This is our standard!

Practical Steps to Avoid Gossip and Promote Healthier Communication

Given the profound negative impact of gossip, both biblically and practically, Christians are called to actively resist it. My friend Jeff Abrams had a fantastic book called “Sticks & Stones” that deals with this sensitive subject. He urges his readers to practice the "THINK" Test before speaking about someone. Ask yourself:

   * Is it true? (Have I verified this information myself?)

   * Is it helpful? (Can this help them grow?)

   * Is it inspiring? (Is it positive?)

   * Is it necessary? (Does this information need to be shared, and for what purpose?)

   * Is it kind? (Will these words build up or tear down?)

If the answer to any of these is “no,” then we should remain silent. There are many ways you could stop gossip in its tracks. I’d like to offer a few suggestions on how to stop gossip.

* Change the Subject: When you find yourself in a conversation that veers into gossip, politely but firmly steer it in another direction. You might say, "Let's talk about something more positive," or "I'd rather not discuss that." It won’t take long for people to get the hint that your ears are not attuned to gossip, hate and misinformation.

* Address the Source (with Wisdom & Gentleness): Where lies are being spread about you, it can be incredibly challenging. If safe and appropriate, you might consider calmly and directly addressing those who are spreading the rumors, stating the truth and expressing your hurt. However, this requires wisdom and discernment. Sometimes, engaging directly can fuel the fire. Seek counsel from trusted spiritual leaders or friends.

* Pray for Those Who Gossip: This can be incredibly difficult, especially when you are the target of their words. However, praying for those who are gossiping can soften your own heart and allow God to work in their lives. In my personal life, I’ve been affected by church leaders and (especially) their wives. I never thought it possible that I could serve alongside Christians for years and in an instant I could become a victim to their oppression. Try to find it in your heart to forgive and pray for them. Their soul is in jeopardy!

* Focus on Edification: Make a conscious effort to speak words that build up, encourage, and offer grace to others. When you have something positive to share about someone, share it! Be a source of encouragement in your community. When I’ve been confronted with gossip about someone, or anything negative, I try to reflect and share positive information about that person. Think better of people.

* Guard Your Heart: Understand that gossip often starts in the heart. Cultivate a heart of love, compassion, and respect for others, even those with whom you disagree or who have wronged you. Try to forgive what others have done to you. I’ve sent text messages, emails, and notes to those who have personally harmed me and my family. Many times those opportunities to resolve conflict have gone unheeded. However, we cannot allow bitterness to take root.

Final Thoughts

Being the target of vicious lies and rumors is incredibly painful. While navigating this difficult time, remember to lean on God's strength and wisdom. Focus on living a life that honors Him, and trust that He will ultimately bring truth to light. Misty and I pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44). We have forgiven them but it still hurts. Every few weeks we’ll hear a new rumor and/or find a new source that our enemies have targeted. People continue to spread lies.

To be absolutely honest, there are days that I don’t want to take the high road. I just want to post the hundreds of pictures, dozens of videos, piles of court documents, the scores of emails, damning text messages and mounds of clear evidence. I want to reveal the whole story! Wouldn’t it solve everything just to post it on social media? It could put all of the lies to rest. It could silence the gossipers. I want to do it sooooo bad! Would Jesus post it? What purpose would it serve? Instead, I patiently wait for people to learn the truth on their own. I give it to God. He is my Defender.

For those that know us best, or those who seek to learn the truth, it is relatively easy to find the answers. Misty and I have frequently considered doing a podcast on all the lies people have told about us. Seriously, the gossip train doesn’t even make a stop at the reality station! 99% of the things that we’ve heard couldn’t be more fantastical and delusional. I Peter 3:16 reveals that if you continue your good conduct, it will speak for itself, and shame the person spreading lies about you. Keep your conscience clear. The high road is our preferred method of travel.

There are times that I jokingly will say to people, “Let me get some popcorn! I can’t wait to hear what I did next!” The fictional tales told about me could rival any television series or novel. But that’s just it… most of it couldn’t be further from the truth. If you can’t laugh about it try just dismissing it outright. Somebody out there is so obsessed with you that they are creatively inventing things to say about you. You are popular! Learn to let it go. As Mel Robbin’s says “Let them.” Just let them gossip and spread lies. Don’t give them power over you or your mind.

Jesus told His disciples: "If they persecute me, they will persecute you also" (John 15:20). This signifies that those who follow Jesus can expect to face similar opposition and hardship as He did, particularly from those who rejected the Truth (John 14:6). This is further emphasized in Matthew 24:9 where Jesus warns His disciples that they will be "hated by all nations” for His name's sake. As Christians, we have to be prepared for persecution from those within the church and those in the world. It’s par for the course.

If you’re reading this and you’ve repeated things about me without verifying it as a fact… I love you and forgive you… but we need to sit down for a cup of coffee and pray about it. Matthew 18:15-17 needs to be practiced. If you’ve heard that I repeated something false about you… I’m sorry and ask for your forgiveness. Life is too short, and eternity is too long, to leave things unresolved. You and I can survive and thrive in Christ.

I started this blog by saying I’m a victim.  Yes… I’ve been a victim of gossip over and over again. However, I also acknowledge that I’ve been the aggressor, gossiper and pot-stirrer from time to time. I regret it. I repent. I don’t want to wield the weapons that have been used against me. I’m truly sorry.

Christians ought to do better. We definitely ought to know better. Let’s honor the example of our loving Savior. Let’s stop tearing one another down and start building one another up. Are you with me?

You are loved.

Ray Reynolds, PhD

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